Jared Eimicke

A recent scientific study has found that, much like veal, all animals are tastier when they’re babies.

“According to our research, a chicken parmesan sandwich pales in comparison to a chick parmesan sandwich,” said Dr. Turnwald, a food scientist at Stanford University.

The study concludes that the more animals develop, not just physically but emotionally, the tougher their meat will be.

“Baby animals haven’t had a chance to have fun or fall in love,” explains Dr. Turnwald. “In the food science world, these experiences are classified as flavor deterrents.”

Chefs across the country have taken notice and are already asking farmers to slaughter their pigs, chickens, goats, and ducks at a deliciously tender age.

“It’s like a whole new world,” said one of the chefs. “Now I don’t have to worry about a pig’s childhood drying out my pulled pork sliders. Thanks science!”