Jared Eimicke

Following the release of a private conversation Paul Ryan had with other GOP leaders, he’s decided it’s necessary to add “no leaks” to the end of grace at family dinners.

“Bless this food to our bodies, Lord, and let us hold you in our hearts. In Jesus name we pray. No leaks. Amen,” said Ryan as he shifted his eyes back and forth.

Known as a family man, Ryan often speaks of loving his beautiful wife and children. These days however, he describes his family as simply “a group of individuals who have agreed not to leak their conversations.”

As Ryan’s son told a story from his school lunch period, Ryan immediately interjected, “I’d hate to read about you trading Gushers for Doritos in the Washington Post.”

“Hey Dad, why did the chicken cross the road?” asked Ryan’s daughter.

“No jokes!” shouted Ryan. “What have I always said about jokes?!”

“They have the potential to be misconstrued,” his family replied in unison.

This story has been confirmed by anonymous sources within the Ryan family.