Jared Eimicke

After news broke that the Dakota Access Pipeline will be rerouted, members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe barely had time to celebrate before the next bit of good news -- the new route will be straight through FedEx Field, home of the Washington Redskins. 

“Growing up on the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation, my indigenous elders used to have a saying,” said tribal Chairman David Archambault. “Karma’s a bitch.”

Redskins owner Dan Snyder vehemently protested the pipeline by standing outside the team’s stadium for a few minutes before getting cold and going back inside.

“It’s reprehensible,” said Snyder. “This sacred turf has been our home dating all the way back to 2004. Did anyone even stop to think about how this could affect our chances of retaining Kirk Cousins?!”

“I guess there is a difference between Redskins and Native Americans,” said Archambault. “Native Americans win.”