Jared Eimicke

Tiger Woods fans have been dying to see him back in action. This morning, they received some huge news – Tiger’s back!... needs surgery again.

“Tiger’s back!” shouted Tiger’s swing coach Chris Como after watching him on the range last week. “It’s his back again! He can’t get up, send help!”

“Tiger’s back!... has a severely damaged disc,” explained Dr. Richard Guyer. “Apologies for the false hope. This is my natural cadence when discussing a medical procedure.”

Tiger is advising those close to him to stop exclaiming about his back, as it could easily be misconstrued as a triumphant return. This request has so far fallen on deaf ears.

“Tiger’s back!” said #1 ranked golfer Dustin Johnson. “Makes me grateful for every day I can still play.”

“Tiger’s back!” said Scott Van Pelt on SportsCenter. “Has effectively ended his career.”

“Tiger’s back!” said recent Masters champion Sergio Garcia. “Is something I’m glad is not a part of my body. Am I right? Sorry, that was in poor taste.”